When I was in college I used to spend a lot of time trying to convince myself that I was saved. It’s a nasty game to be honest because trying to convince yourself that you are saved only reminds you that you may not be. And I didn’t like that. I used to spend many sleepless nights saying the sinners prayer over and over, literally scared to close my eyes because if I died it was entirely possible that I may not have said it in such a way that was correct. When I woke up in the morning I would breathe a sigh of relief and be glad I made it through another night.
But it didn’t take me long to do something that would shout to the world that I was broken, a “sinner” if you will. And this sin had a terrible way of making me wonder if I was really saved, thus continuing the cycle. The badge of disgrace hung around my neck like a noose just waiting for the moments that I would fall and tighten it’s grip, a regular occurrence for me. And once again I would ask for forgiveness, hoping that I hadn’t said something that was incorrect in my prayer of forgiveness that would require me to ask for forgiveness again. Occasionally I would just ask forgiveness just to make sure and then wonder if I needed to again, just for good measure.
You see, no one every had to convince me that I was a sinner. I was proving it over and over and over again. My body had devious ways of faking me out no matter how hard I tried. I knew it better than anyone and eventually learned how to hide that fact really, really well. I created a mask that hid my pain and tried to fake my way through relationships that I hoped somehow would magically work out. And yet as much as I tried to keep my self from peering through the mask, it always found a way to do so. It would conveniently sabotage relationships at just the right moment, just when it was going so good.
And then a friend of mine told me that I needed to find out what the other side of cross looked like. I needed to see what life would look like if I let go of my excuses and embraced His love. Whaaaaaat???? What are you talking about?
The dark side of the cross was a constant reminder of own sin. And I had three decades and more to remind me of what that was like. Was it possible that I had never stepped over to see the redemptive side? And from the dark side, it’s very hard to see the side that says, “You love me.” It’s easy to admit we’re sinners because we have SO much evidence. We don’t need to shout it from rooftops. Our heart screams at decibels that leave us deaf. And because of this we end up hating ourselves, a void of the heart. To step over would almost seem to somehow almost disgrace the cross.
And I realized that we don’t like the cross because it reminds us that God really does love us. “AND HOW COULD YOU REALLY, REALLY LOVE ME.” And I began to realize that just because God says he forgives me of my sin, doesn’t mean that I forgive myself. Just because he says I’m worth it, doesn’t mean I believe I’m worth it.
And if I accept this I don’t have any more excuses. I have to give up how I see myself. I can’t hide behind my petty arguments for not following or growing up. As a failed sinner I was living up to the billing. I knew that if I stepped over that line, into His love, I could no longer hide.
And as I began to embrace the other side of the cross I could no longer see the sin that He had so elegantly forgotten for both of us. Death’s hold was beginning to be released. But God, I didn’t… The cross. But God what about… The cross.
But on the redemptive side, I could no longer hold onto the little boy that failed because I was no longer defined by it. On the redemptive side I had a new identity defined by my Father’s love, not by circumstance or sin.
You see it’s really easy to love someone who does everything right. But the cross reminds us that God loves us period. It’s what the Father does. The cross is God putting it all on the line. And it is up to us to embrace that love.
Thanks for sharing. I was the opposite. Heaven was a place for good christian people and I was sure I was going there.
Rick, I have to ask simply for clarification. Do you feel differently now and why?
I feel and think different now because the Holy Spirit breathed life into my dead heart. In specific reference to the my first comment, while I look forward to going to Heaven (assuming He does come first), I don’t think a lot about a place but more of a life in His Kingdom now and then. For this I no longer think I qualify because of my goodness. Now I understand just how bad I was but thankfully I have Christ’s righteousness imputed to me. I am justified and being sanctified.
The only think that didn’t change is that I’m sure I’m going there but this time I am correct.
So what I hear you saying is that you went from head to heart. Yes?
Rick,
Me too. Seriously, my train of thought was, “Why wouldn’t God love me?”
head to heart? I’m not sure I could say that. I thought/felt with every fiber of my being that I was ok. But I know now that I was not AND that I hadn’t submitted to God’s forgiveness or leadership to cover my sins. Today I still sin but I’m not a sinner. I am fully forgiven and Jesus is leader of my life. I know Him and I love Him. This was not true before in head nor heart. I had faith in the wrong thing.
I ascribe to the expression, “Before we are Chistians Satan does all he can to convince us we are ok. After we are Christians he does all he can to convince us that we are not.”
That syncs with my experience and many that I disciple.
As you are pointing out, all who come to Christ (in fact it is a pre-requisite) realize their brokenness. But most weren’t typically aware of the extent and result of it until that point. Certainly if they were aware, they looked for the solution in the wrong places.
This brings me back to the point of the Law and the Spirit both brought conviction of sin and it is wrong for us to gloss over or hide that aspect of the Gospel, i.e., our brokenness. And the Spirit brings life, it is wrong for us to convince the redeemed that they are broken.
Our message then is not one of condemnation but of exposing need and offering the only solution.
Again, back to me, I didn’t think I needed anything because God liked me so much. Wrong.
[…] Now that I’m in ministry I have the opportunity to engage these conversations on a constant basis. The more I listen, the more I find that what has driven these people away is self righteous, judgmental Christians. My heart bleeds because of this. But I’ve also become increasingly aware that I myself have encountered this culture. In fact it is the reason I identify with the emerging church. I have come to the conclusion that I don’t need condemnation as a mechanism for change. In fact it produced a downward spiral of debilitating shame. […]
Rick,
Now I really don’t know what changed?
i changed
“Now that I’m in ministry…”? Define ministry;)
Jonathan – great post! You speak for me and how I have felt for so long, it is something I am trying to change and realize though when you have twenty – thirty some-odd years of believing this lie it is hard.
Bohemian, Same boat brother. But it is possible.
Hope